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Encountering denial, particularly when it recurs often, is not a great feeling. An editor is turning you down, delivering a definite “Nope.” Working in writing, I am well acquainted with setbacks. I commenced pitching story ideas five decades ago, right after college graduation. Over the years, I have had multiple books turned down, along with article pitches and countless essays. In the last 20 years, focusing on personal essays, the rejections have only increased. On average, I get a rejection frequently—amounting to over 100 times a year. Cumulatively, denials throughout my life run into thousands. At this point, I could claim a master’s in handling no’s.

But, does this seem like a complaining outburst? Not at all. As, finally, at the age of 73, I have come to terms with rejection.

In What Way Did I Achieve It?

For perspective: Now, almost every person and others has rejected me. I haven’t kept score my win-lose ratio—that would be deeply dispiriting.

For example: lately, a publication turned down 20 submissions in a row before saying yes to one. Back in 2016, at least 50 book publishers rejected my manuscript before someone gave the green light. Later on, 25 literary agents passed on a project. One editor even asked that I submit articles only once a month.

My Seven Stages of Setback

Starting out, every no were painful. I felt attacked. It was not just my work being rejected, but me as a person.

Right after a piece was turned down, I would begin the “seven stages of rejection”:

• First, disbelief. How could this happen? How could these people be overlook my talent?
• Next, refusal to accept. Surely they rejected the wrong person? It has to be an oversight.
• Then, rejection of the rejection. What can any of you know? Who made you to hand down rulings on my efforts? It’s nonsense and your publication is subpar. I deny your no.
• After that, frustration at those who rejected me, then anger at myself. Why do I put myself through this? Could I be a masochist?
• Fifth, negotiating (preferably mixed with optimism). What will it take you to recognise me as a unique writer?
• Then, despair. I lack skill. Worse, I’ll never be accomplished.

I experienced this for decades.

Excellent Company

Of course, I was in fine company. Tales of writers whose manuscripts was originally rejected are numerous. The author of Moby-Dick. The creator of Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Almost every renowned author was initially spurned. Because they managed to persevere, then possibly I could, too. Michael Jordan was cut from his youth squad. Most American leaders over the past six decades had been defeated in campaigns. The filmmaker claims that his script for Rocky and desire to star were rejected numerous times. He said rejection as a wake-up call to wake me up and keep moving, not backing down,” he has said.

Acceptance

As time passed, upon arriving at my 60s and 70s, I reached the seventh stage of setback. Acceptance. Today, I more clearly see the various causes why a publisher says no. To begin with, an editor may have recently run a like work, or have something in the pipeline, or simply be thinking about something along the same lines for a different writer.

Or, less promisingly, my pitch is uninteresting. Or maybe the evaluator feels I don’t have the experience or reputation to be suitable. Or isn’t in the market for the content I am offering. Maybe didn’t focus and scanned my piece too quickly to recognize its abundant merits.

You can call it an epiphany. Anything can be turned down, and for whatever cause, and there is virtually nothing you can do about it. Many rationales for denial are always not up to you.

Within Control

Additional reasons are within it. Let’s face it, my proposals may from time to time be ill-conceived. They may be irrelevant and appeal, or the message I am attempting to convey is insufficiently dramatised. Alternatively I’m being too similar. Or something about my punctuation, notably commas, was unacceptable.

The essence is that, in spite of all my decades of effort and rejection, I have succeeded in being published in many places. I’ve published multiple works—the initial one when I was middle-aged, another, a personal story, at 65—and in excess of a thousand pieces. My writings have featured in newspapers large and small, in regional, worldwide outlets. My debut commentary appeared decades ago—and I have now written to that publication for five decades.

Yet, no major hits, no author events in bookshops, no spots on popular shows, no Ted Talks, no book awards, no accolades, no international recognition, and no national honor. But I can more readily handle no at this stage, because my, humble accomplishments have softened the jolts of my many rejections. I can afford to be reflective about it all at this point.

Valuable Setbacks

Rejection can be instructive, but when you pay attention to what it’s indicating. Otherwise, you will likely just keep taking rejection incorrectly. So what lessons have I learned?

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